Category: Preview

A war is raging….

Instead of it being your modern day “Hearts and Minds” battle, this war is between Faith and Freedom. Two utopian ideologies that can flare a jovial jibe into an all out fist fight. In the Blue Corner we have the Journalists, whilst in the Red Corner we have the Muslim Faith. Neither contender can see eye to eye over the current scandal that might result in another split of the global social structure.

Whose side are you on?

Tough question, eh? Well, let me lay the facts on the table and then I’ll pass you the dice to figure your next move… The whole dilemma started when on the 30th September 2005 caricatures of the prophet Mahomet were published in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten. It’s problematic because the Muslim faith prohibits representations of its prophet and the caricatures pictured him as a terrorist. Several ambassadors from the Muslim world then requested a meeting with the Danish Prime minister who declined.

It then spread to the whole Islamic world when in January several countries, lead by Libya, threatened to close their embassies in Denmark. Then, several newspapers from around Europe (including Liberation and Charlie Hebdo in France) published the caricatures claiming the freedom of the press and freedom of expression. This is when it exploded and Danish and other embassies were attacked and burned down in Iran, Lebanon, and Syria.

Needless to say, the tension between the West and the Middle East is high.

I think that what a lot of people are missing in this double edged sword story, is the fact that the pictures appeared way back in September, yet the main media coverage only appeared in January. Why the delay? Didn’t anyone see the smoke on the horizon?? After all, where there’s smoke, there’s sure to be fire.

Now is not the time to argue! The United Nations Security Council is currently in negotiations with Iran investigating its nuclear capacities, and Denmark is up next for Presidency of the Council in June. A slight disagreement there and the world could be staring at another Bay of Pigs stand off.

The fat is in the fire and some of us don’t eat bacon.

I used to admire skateboarding and music as areas without boundries. Any one can play an instrument and anyone can ride a board. But, when I hear about the classroom bickering of magazine editors and advertisers over jokes about sexuality, it makes no sense.

We preach freedom everyday like we pledge allegiance to our culture. A misplaced joke can sow the seed of separation. Someone said there’s an element of truth in every joke, but I guess it all depends on who’s telling it….

Maxwell Woodger Esq – Friday, 15 February 2006

“Dun, dun, dun…”
Maxwell Woodger Esq.
Monday, 23rd January 2006

Walking home from an uneventful evening, I stumbled across a sprawling mass of naked bodies humping and jumping to the chords of Deep Purple.

Ummm..?

I stopped and stood in the shadows to watch and make sure this wasn’t some sort of trap or mystical sacrifice. The heaving crowd was working itself into a trance as the Ritchie Blackmore doppelganger went to work on the very obvious melody of Smoke on the Water. A greasy man rubbed his naked belly fat against the sagging breasts of an aged groupie from yesteryear. It was a sick and depraved sight, but I decided to join in.

The reason why Deep Purple wrote the lyrics for Smoke on the Water was due to an event that took place in Switzerland: The band was on their way to record a record at the famous Montreux Casino studios, but as they grew near thick plumes of smoke wafted towards them from across the lake. Apparently Frank Zappa was performing at the Casino and had literally burnt the house down!

So what has this musical introduction got to do with the world today, eh?

Well, elsewhere there is a thick cloud of chemical smoke coating the water of foreign docks and bays. A mix of burnt tyres, tear gas and petrol bombs creates a fog that creeps towards the shores of safe citizens and weary diplomats. Needless to say, the Dockers are pissed. Problems began when the European Parliament introduced a new directive that would open up the continents maritime routes to more competition from abroad. An influx of interest and economic force from abroad would squash what remains of an already unstable business sector.

A man of my stature cannot condone violence, but these burly men of quayside will easily take up arms faster than a sliding butterfly knot (Yes- I know my lingo!) comes undone. You see, years of salty sea air, late night drinking bouts of rare rum and an unhealthy intake of Fisherman’s Friend can take it’s toll on the a person’s character.

The fabric of the Docker’s sociability is frayed, lest torn!

So, what now???

Hell those childish brutes need to get a quick lesson in world politics 101, that’s what! The era of Pugwash and Captain blue beard are gone. Jimmy Hoffa is dead, and the rumours of pederasty didn’t help the man either. No- Today you need to fight fire with fire. Hallelujah! Take on the sharp politicos with their own game: Diplomatic immunity, coffee breaks with Madame Tseng in Paris, and chauffeur driven saloons for all!

Ahh… The political elite might find that a hard pill to swallow.

But essentially there isn’t much you could do. The world is a social place with hierarchy and politics. Just play your role and the cogs can keep turning, right?

The group of frenzied funksters that I was rubbing shoulders with, as a pseudo- Deep Purple band played the anthems, were just a bunch of hair dressers. Nothing to do with loading bay heavies or criminally minded seamen… Just a gang of follicule flamers having fun on a Friday night. Incidentally the sounds of an ode to a burnt casino rolled over us and across the road into the river.

The sounds being carried away by a strong tide towards rougher seas. Perhaps a docker had heard the cries of my blubbery and misty eyed bretheren, and mistaken them for a call to arms- the rum and Fishermen’s Friend are a bad cocktail…

Wherever you are in this bitter world- You MUST fight for the right to party!

Thanks to Jose Lavezzi at www.bazarts.org for the use of the dick shot!