Author: Zac

So much bad stuff goes down on band tours that it’s sometimes fun to sift through them to find out what exactly goes on behind the scenes just for laughs. Thankfully Turbonegro were up for revisiting some of their nightmares ahead of their exclusive Halloween Massacre live show at the House of Vans this Saturday. Front man The Duke of Nothing (aka Tony Sylvester) and songwriter/bassist Happy-Tom (aka Thomas Seltzer) share the tales.

Tony, do you want to kick this off?

Well, most of my experiences with the band before joining were always on the cusp between nightmarish and glorious: Two days holed up in the K-West Hotel with nothing for company except the band, the mini-bar, mountains of blow and a ready diet of Don Henley and Dimmu Borgir on the stereo. These things can be almost Lovecraftian in terms of cosmic horror. Or the record release party for Party Animals in Oslo, where I found myself so hammered on the copious free champagne that I almost accompanied Hank to an all-night after party at the Hells Angels clubhouse 40 miles outside the city! That was probably a close shave of monolithic proportion. Tom – You have the best stories from the days before my arrival, so you should probably take it from here.

Come on then Tom, spill those beans…

What HASN’T gone wrong on tour?! Mental breakdowns, mental hospital emergency rooms, overdoses, we even have a cocaine-induced heart attack on a plane on our shit-vee (a shit-vee is like a CV but for bands that God hates and therefore tries to destroy time and time again).

Has much blood spilled over the years?

There has been some bottle-throwing incidents that have cost quite a lot of blood. After one of these incidents in New York City some big guys in the crowd managed to spot the guy. They carried him out and beat the shit out of him while the NYPD just stood there smiling, they knew what had happened. Nazi skinheads in Germany a few times covered our stage with broken glass. But nothing some solid footwear couldn’t handle.

Who has had the worst broken bone injuries whilst being in the band?

I’ve broken a few fingers, but Pål Pot actually broke his neck and had to wear one of those collars for a year. He had a custom-made collar for stage use. Euroboy once had some dude trying to rip off all his strings with one grip, that was pretty bizarre.

Knowing that your road schedule changes if there’s something to deal with, have you missed many many connections along the way?

Missing public transport? Dude, we MISSED EVERY CHANCE IN OUR CAREER. But it’s not over. As an old drunk screamed at me outside the local pub waiting for it to open at 7 in the morning: “THE NIGHT IS YOUNG!”

What about hostile situations with fights, flames or bullets etc on the road?

It’s just been too much. But highlights include playing in a small park in the ghetto of Hamburg and some little turds were perched on a nearby roof firing on the small make-shift stage with signal flare guns. We didn’t really notice but the crowd freaked out and threw themselves face down on the grass. We just kept playing.

Any disasters with break ins, stolen gear, burglaries etc

Due to ongoing disputes with an insurance company we can’t really talk about this.

What about gigs? Stuff gets thrown about a lot, anything spring to mind that was thrown into the crowd that may have caused injuries?

Well, we did have a dwarf on a US tour, he was really nice to us guys in the band but he turned out to be really obnoxious to the guys in the crew, they HATED him. So on the last show of the tour they threw him into the crowd. He reappeared backstage 10 minutes later, with some hair missing!

Haha! What about stage divers and mosh pit incidents?

Once in Oslo some dude did a flip off the stage and planted his boots right in the mouth of a girl. That was ugly. On a lighter note, we tend to get a LOT of larger-sized dudes crowd surfing with no clothes on, it’s like some weird tradition or conspiracy that the crowd has going all across the globe. You see some 300 pound guy with a beard being held upside down with his fatty flabby amphetamine penis dangling in the wind, the dude is smiling with his eyes rolling around in his skull, and you think: «OK. This isn’t the reason I started playing in a band.» But you know what a wise man once said: A BAND GETS THE FANS THEY DESERVE.

Hahah! This is getting good. What about the tour bus itself, any near misses on the road in that?

There have been MANY «drunk person pushing his torso out of the air vent in the ceiling not seeing the approaching tunnel» near death episodes. Some idiot mechanic in Italy hooked the exhaust of the bus to the ventilation system, so instead of fresh air there was exhaust blowing into the sleeping bunks. This time it was my turn to go to the hospital. I wasn’t feeling too hot.

That sounds like fun. There must have been a few rucks too right?

We used to have huge beef with Gluecifer, another band from Oslo, over really obscure in-scene stuff. Basically it was this inane fight over who was «fake» and who was «for real». There’s a fight like that wherever there are two bands in the same village. Get the popcorn. Or get the poppers!

I’m sure there will be loads of poppers at the London show waiting for you! Looking forward to this Halloween Massacre set this weekend?

Yeah, I’m really excited to come play at the House of Vans in London. I have a long, sentimental relationship with London skateboarding. Our little skate gang used to buy our boards at Alpine Action in Notting Hill, the guys who worked there seemed like old REALLY worn-out Motorhead roadies, I have no idea why they were selling skateboards and BMX to little kids. So many cool skate spots in London: the South Bank, Meanwhile under the Westway, the pool at Romford, the oval bowl in that park in Kennington, and that funky old skatepark in Brixton. Good times.

Photo: TN rocking the LA massive shot by Steven Thomas

Any advice for young bands getting ready for the glorious life of rock n’ roll:

Just keep playing. We grew up playing death punk. It’s been our way to learn about people and the world. No regrets. And hey: THE ETERNAL NIGHT IS YOUNG.

Turbonegro fans will be happy that we have held back a few free tickets for Saturday night’s event. Grab them here asap. First come, first served to 50 people. We will email you if you made it!

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