Skateboarding Product Reviews

Review: Creature ‘High On Fire / Skinner’ Deck 8.8″

I think it’s weird that the majority of Americans get their foreskins chopped off. There’s something very unmetal about the idea of circumcision. I’m sure the act of it is gnarly and all, but the premise… it’s just too… too hygienic. It’s like saying “Let’s cut off our eyelids to stop getting eye boogies” and probably looks just as stupid. And It always reminds me of Kraftwerk for some reason. I don’t know why.

But I bet everyone at Creature has whooping great big,dangly, elephant trunk foreskins. I bet they trip up on them and can double them up as sleeping bags which keep them snug as a bug. A bug wrapped in a luminous green foreskin. I mean look at this dude that Mr.Skinner’s drawn for their ‘High On Fire‘ Limited edition board; he’s frozen solid. Probably because he hasn’t got any foreskin. You’d be surprised at what a couple of inches of skin can do to raise your body temperature. I wonder if the guys in High on Fire have foreskins? Maybe that’s why Sir Skinner chose to draw a frozen Ice barbarian; a bit of a private joke perhaps? Maybe Skinner specialises in Circumcision, hence his pseudonym… It’s all making sense now.

I’ll admit I haven’t listened to High on Fire in a while. I think it was around about the time that I heard they were touring with Mastodon and Converge that I stopped listening to them. I thought they were quite good, but they can’t be that good if they’re sharing a stage with fags like Mastodon and Converge. I thought I best pay the band a revisit in light of this review and even resolved to buy their latest LP. Admittedly I didn’t have a clue what their latest LP was called, so I got Bertha out and surfed the intergalactic cyber spaces in search of metal knowledge. It turns out they’ve got a wikipedia page dedicated solely to their latest album and everything. They must be famous. The album is called ‘Snakes of the Divine‘. Sounds a bit too biblical for my liking, but I suppose snakes are evil and evil is pretty cool. According to the LP’s wikipedia page “The album cover art and track listing were revealed on the band’s Myspace page on January 6, 2010.” ?! I stopped reading there because they’ve obviously been hanging round with Converge and Mastodon for too long and have turned in to complete pussies.

At this point I was starting to get confused; why would Creature release a skateboard in conjunction with a band who have overly detailed wikipedia pages? I put it down to the fact that the brutes at Creature probably don’t even know what the internet is and so have no idea about how unmetal High on Fire have become. They’re probably way too busy painting everything snot green, destroying concrete coping and having sex with hot horror punk girls. And hopefully punching them in the face afterwards and poking them with broomhandles whilst telling them how stupid and worthless they are and making them cry by telling them that her Stepdad gets off smelling her used underwear. Proper metal.

The size of this deck is proper metal. It’s fookin huge. 8.8″! It’s the same shape as Stu Graham’s pro board and he’s definitely proper metal. And the graphic is metal. It even comes with a special pack of three Creature/High on Fire Dunlop guitar pleks; which is kind of metal, sort of. And is a limited edition of only 400 and each one comes individually numbered. Which isn’t metal at all. But it has all the right things you need in a skateboard; made of wood, has holes in the right places and everything. So I’d recommend going and buying it. No, maybe go buy Sam Hitz’s new Creature board because I know French drew it and he’s got foreskin and isn’t in an unmetal metal band with multiple wikipedia pages.