5 songs you will never hear at a funeral

News reached us two weeks ago from a survey carried out by Co-operative Funeralcare that a quarter of funeral homes have a black-list of songs they won’t allow to be played at services because they feel they are inappropriate. The list brought up a few classics that you would expect to make the cut for the crack, such The Trammps’ ‘Disco Inferno’ (“burn baby burn”) and John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ (“Imagine there’s no Heaven”).

With shit pop music being requested these days more than Hymns, we decided that we would run our own list of the Top 5 tracks we reckon would never get played as your casket hits the flames. Delve in for the most disgusting offerings we could conjure up.

#5. MEAT SHITS – GENITAL INFECTION

You’re never going to hear the Meat Shits at a funeral. In fact, you’re unlikely to hear them anywhere. Only the truly disturbed had any time for this utterly nauseating porno grind combo. Their singer Robert Deathrage is a horrible little fucker obsessed with violent porn, gore and anything that could offend. They released endless seven-inch singles, all of which are utterly unlistenable, featuring short blasts of badly recorded violent noise, cut with clips from porn and horror films. It’s safe to say that Robert has probably never had a girlfriend, and probably never will.

#4. ANAL CUNT – YOU WERE TOO UGLY TO RAPE, SO I JUST BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

Anal Cunt were the chief influence on the Meat Shits. The difference being that Anal Cunt served their offensive music and lyrics up with a large dollop of humour. That aside, singer Seth was also a horrible, ugly little fuckhead and when he died in 2011 we doubt too many people cried about it. We wonder if any of his music did get played at his funeral? We doubt it, it’s horrible. Some of the song titles are genius though.

#3. AUTOPSY – SHIT EATER.

Look at the album cover! There’s a man with a turd in his mouth! Would you really want this played at your funeral? Oh you do? YOU SICK FUCKS!

#2. GG. ALLIN – FUCKING THE DOG.

GG Allin needs to introduction. He was the ultimate in disorder and chaos and ‘upset’ was his middle name. Crossfire never gets tired of watching ole’ GG roll around in his own poo poo onstage, smashing his face in with a microphone and waving his little willy about. His funeral was very impressive though, like a huge biker-rally that snaked across the country. You can bet GG had his own music played at his funeral, but would you want it played at yours?

#1. JIMMY SAVILLE, JINGLE JANGLE JEWELLERY

The way things are going right now it looks like Jimmy Savile may end up having a second funeral; after they’ve dug him up, sent his corpse to court, tried him for his multiple crimes and then buried him again. The horrible little bastard. This song’s well catchy though!

happyhalloweencrossfire

The Crossfire Halloween Massacre 2011 gallery feature

crossfire_halloween_massacre_logo

crossfire_halloween_massacre_2011The Massacre was heavily missed by many last year so organisation for this one started as far back as the beginning of August to make sure it was going to happen. With no room for a mini ramp at Vauxhall’s Hidden Club, Matthew Bromley’s idea to have a skate sticker exhibition caught on amongst 12 of London’s best skate art illustrators and the Toxic Wasters exhibition took its place. We did miss the ramp though, so next year we will try our hardest to get it back into the mix for you.

Highlights for this explosive night are rife. Cornish 4-piece Crowns made some new drinking buddies by serving up cold pints of Clash inspired, seafaring punk rock. Tomb Crew got stuck into Front Magazine‘s room by dropping the beats on the earlybirds whilst Illaman MC had more words that a dictionary to spill across Rack N Ruin‘s set too. 3 hours of grime, dubstep and bass reigned supreme before Cerebral Ballzy took to the stage in the Vans room. The results were no surprise.

This was the most chaotic show we have ever seen at any Crossfire night. From the off, a sea of bodies collided as the hardcore was sprayed into the crowd. Surgeons, zombies, military officers, pirates, even bananas, were smashing into each other forming one of the biggest bundles ever seen thanks to the dance music podiums that were used as launch pads! This legendary set was ended with a piñata smashing of the highest order and a set of absolute bangers by Stereo:Type who mashed up every classic in the book. The Vans room was covered in beers, stickers and sweets and ended up destroyed.

The Last Resort DJs dropped 90’s rock classics across 2 rooms and had the place rolling alongside a fierce stoner rock set from James Sherry, whilst Talita Two Shoes and Pheobe Winter freaked everyone out with their Child’s Play and dropped a great selection of metal! It’s always fantastic to see the DJs and bands dress up for this occassion. Pheobe’s and Talita won it for the girls and Enter Shikari‘s Rou Reynolds was a serious contender for the boys prize. Shikari have spent the last 2 weeks on tour around the UK but still had the energy to jump on the decks with us for 90 mins. Rout and SGT Rolfy had the place jumping before handing over the decks to High Rankin & Tigerlight who were dressed for Ultraviolence and continued the frenzy with bass driven beats mixed with a ton of wob!

Overall, not many people were ejected on the night. We are listening to all of your feedback on our facebook page and twitter so keep them coming and share your pics on there with us this week.

Thanks so much if you came down to make this night the huge success that this year’s Crossfire Halloween Massacre in association with Vans turned out to be, and also for dressing up in some of the best costumes we have ever seen! Big ups to all at Vans and Front Magazine, all at Hidden Club and Found series, Chloe Leeks, James Sherry, Paul Parker for his incredible artwork and all of the illustrators involved in Toxic Wasters exhibition, all the DJs and bands mentioned above, everyone at Division PR, Sophie Kostrowski, Scott Kell, Tom Halliday, the lovely guys at WE Audio, Kerrang, Rocksound, Clash, Metro, NME, Time Out, The Londonist, TNT, Sidewalk Mag, XFM, Gallows, We Are The Ocean, Hawk Eyes and all of the other bands out there who retweeted our shit and anyone we forgot. See you in 2012!

Enjoy the gallery photos below thanks to the long hours put in by Tom Halliday and Scott Kells. If you use these images, please credit them.

Watch the full video from the night courtesy of Sophie Kostrowski and Matthew Bromley:

Watch a clip of Cerebral Ballzy exploding in the Vans room. Caught on iphone from above.

TOM HALLIDAY’S PHOTOGRAPHY:

Enter Shikari blow up the Front room

Sweet Dreams played party nightmares!

Our photographer Tom Halliday is a Misfit!

High Rankin dropped bombs!
Cerebral Ballsout played

SCOTT KELLS PHOTOGRAPHY:

Crowns brought dead sailors up from Cornwall!

Tigerlight in the house!

Next 3 pics shot by James Sherry.

Final photo by Tom Halliday.

“It was a great night had by all with some amazing outfits, a truly hilscarious event!” – Sgt Rolfy (Enter Shikari)