Caught in the Crossfire

Remember that scene in the Lost Boys where Sam goes into the comic book shop? He’s looking for a copy of Batman #14. He’s politely informed by the Frogg brothers that there are only five in existence. His response is priceless: “[There are] Four, actually. I’m always looking for the other three.”

Now, depending on how much you fetishize one-offs, limited editions, misprints and other purchase-incentive collectables, you will either see this as harmless collector braggadocio, or serious asshole syndrome.

By flexing his collector muscle in such a grand fashion, he will either remind you of Poison Idea (Record Collectors Are Pretentious Assholes) or your own sick hunger for commercialist trinkets. Some of us fall on both sides of the fence – we rabidly collect things just to have them, and we fucking hate other people for doing the same. I’ve got my hands up – I’m guilty. I love ‘deluxe’, ‘limited’, ‘super deluxe’… all that stuff. But if I see someone else bragging about how hard-to-get their own collection is, I feel sick.

You know the Wu-Tang Clan. Shit, we all know the Wu. We know what they’re all about. So it’ll come as no surprise that we had to mention this particular news story:

Wu-Tang Clan’s legendary spokesman, leader and resident genius The RZA (the artist formerly known as Bobby Digital) is causing the music world a whole heap of grief on this topic with his announcement of a new Wu-Tang Clan record that will be limited to ONE copy. That’s right, one, uno, un, eins… a single fucking copy.

But that’s not all – the record, handily titled The Wu – Once Upon a Time in Shaolin will be toured across the globe as a ‘pay to hear’ spectacle, which is essentially a gig without the performance aspect. The details aren’t finalized, but it would appear as though closely-guarded headphones will be installed in museums across the globe, and folks can pay $50 to sit for two hours to listen to the record. Once. All two hours of it.

So after that tour is over, the album will be sold to the highest bidder. Be it a banker, a car salesman, Alan Sugar, Rob Dyrdek,… whoever the fuck is rich enough and stupid enough to buy it will surely be deserving of the scorn sent their way by a public who aren’t guaranteed to ever be hearing it.

This, of course, raises many questions. Amongst them are:

“What happens if I need to piss/smoke/eat/cry/call somebody? Can I pause the record?”

“What happens if the album is shit? Do I get a refund?”

“Just how big of a mug do you think I am?”

“Is this Alcoholics Anonymous?”

It supposedly features all of the Clan, some FC Barcelona players and a string of unannounced guests. Exciting? You betcha. Worth the hassle? Probably not. I didn’t even know Xavi could rap, and I certainly wouldn’t want to hear Dani Alves’ bars, they’re probably wack.

Of course, this concept is, technically, revolutionary. The fact that all recorded music is free nowadays is not lost on the RZA, who wishes to put the ‘art’ back into ‘artist’ and ‘asshole’ back into ‘money grabbing asshole’ with this grand plan of his. It wouldn’t be the first time.

If you’ve heard any Wu-Tang album, especially the first one, you’ll know that they’re capable of brilliance. No, they are capable of making a perfect record. How close Once Upon a Time gets to that level is beyond a guess.

Of course, my guess is that this is actually a Funny Or Die hoax to promote their actual new album A Better Tomorrow. The site that’s marketing the album is called ‘Ezclziv scluzay’, which sounds a bit like Exclusive Clues Ay. Don’tcha think? I call bollocks. He might be having a little dig at Jay-Z, who sold $5,000,000 worth of his latest album to Samsung in some marketing shenanigans. Who knows?

I, for one, hope it’s one big joke and Funny Or Die will come out soon to claim the credit for this shit-heap (like the comedy terrorists they are) much like they did for the Flaming Lips’ announcement of a companion piece to Dark Side of the Moon. If it’s not a hoax, then the joke is on Wu-Tang Clan, I’m afraid.

In any case: RIP ODB.

“PS: EZCLZIV SCLUZAY = Easy clues I’ve schooled you’s ay?”

I think I’ve worked it out – if it’s a hoax.

Ross Horton

Sleaford Mods – ‘Tied Up In Nottz’ (Harbinger Records)

Like seventies New York electronic art punks Suicide but from the streets of Nottingham, Sleaford Mods are pure street poetry set over a clanking bass and minimal rhythms. Like John Cooper Clarke but with twice the venom and acidity, vocalist Jason Williamson’s way with words and lyrical rhymes are powerful, thought-provoking and at times, totally hilarious. He also swears better than any other f**ker I’ve heard. Believe the hype. – James Sherry

Human Eye – ‘Gettin’ Some’ (Goner Records)

When life serves you human sized bugs, exterminator’s and gunge in garage rock format from Detroit, you should thank your lucky stars someone spent their weekend up to their guts in it and then dive in head first. Human Eye released this filthy bug jam last week from their ‘4:Into Unknown’ album and it’s utter filth. You can also thank King Khan for sending this one over to us. – Zac

Thee Oh Sees – ‘Penetrating Eye’ (Castle Face)

John O’Dwyer threatened a hiatus for Thee Oh Sees after last year’s ‘Floating Coffin’ but despite flirting with electronica with his Damaged Bug project he wasn’t ready to hammer the nail in that wooden box yet. He did move to LA from San Fran, but other than that it’s business as usual. The new album is called ‘Drop’ and it’s about to ahem drop on Record Store Day. It was recorded in a banana ripening warehouse and the banana skinny on this record is that the quality has not slipped. ‘Penetrating Eye’ is the wince inducing intro track, part Ty Segall part Led Zep, as shredding an opening as you could hope to witness, it scared me shitless. – Nick Hutchings

Fist City – ‘Let’s Rip’ (Transgressive Records)

Girl gangs are taking over the world, well, in Canada anyway. This latest gang bang was shot in a bar whilst the owner was out and the band got away with it. Fist City just cruised through the UK last week and played a bunch of sold out shows that were awesome. Get some of their punk inspired malarkey on the re-issue of “It’s 1983, Grow Up” out on May 19th, you will not regret it. – Zac

The Skull Defekts – ‘The Known Unknown’ (Thrill Jockey)

Abba are from Sweden, you know? So are rabid, krautrock-flavoured noise-rock miscreants The Skull Defekts. Their new album is likely to be busting a lot of houses down when it drops this month, you’d be doing yourself a favour by making your house one of ’em. The Known Unknown is like the groovy offspring of a junkie robot and a broken amp, highly recommended. – Ross Horton

Black Bananas – ‘Physical Emotions’ (Drag City)

Snake-hipped pillow-lipped Venusian Goddess Jennifer Herrema made her triumphant return to the world of ‘pop music’ with this absolutely monstrous groove-thang. Like all of her work with (my favourite band) Royal Trux, RTX and beyond, this track totally defies genres and will warp your mind if you listen to it loud enough. Go go go. – Ross Horton

OBN III’s – ‘No Time For The Blues’ (TTT Records)

Austin Texas band OBN III’s third album ‘Third Time To Harm’ is a party record that reminds me of the much underrated Lee Harvey Oswald Band. ‘No Time For The Blues’ is like Andrew WK doing Iggy doing the ‘Spaghetti Incident’, a party record with monster riffs where you can feel free to check your brain by the door and flex your neck up the front. – Nick Hutchings

Protomartyr – ‘Come & See’ (Hardly Art Records)

Welcome to the world of Protomartyr who fit somewhere between punk and post-punk, shunning the noir-ish drama of the latter without losing the fervor of the former. Despite this being one of the more restrained tracks on their new album Under Color of Official Right there’s an clear darkness to ‘Come & See’, all held together with a delicious groove. – Joe Parry

Greys – ‘Guy Picotto’ (Car Park Records)

‘Guy Picotto’ is the first track to emerge from punks Greys forthcoming debut album, coming out in May. A slab of tongue-in-cheek hardcore with some Jesus Lizard ingenuity clashing with fellow Canadian’s Fucked Up’s ear for melody. – Joe Parry

Kevin Drew – ‘Bullshit Ballad’ (Arts & Crafts)

Kevin Drew, one half of Canadian super group Broken Social Scene, has just dropped a brand new solo album. Darlings is expectedly full of synth slurs and instrumental murmurs, atop which sit Drew’s ever suggestive vocal, laced with subtle sleaze. A mellow album certainly worth listening to, highlights come in the form of ‘Bullshit Ballad’. – Dave Palmer

Violent Reaction – ‘Dead End’ (Painkiller Records)

Let’s end this on some excellent shit-kicking Oi! influenced hardcore from Merseyside, Violent Reaction are pure musical thuggery. Think Negative Approach meets Sham 69 and the 4-Skins biting your nose off. They’ve just been snapped up by legendary hardcore label Revelation so expect to be hearing a lot from these boys and their Dr. Marten’s boots this year. – James Sherry

If you would like to contribute tracks next month or write for us then don’t be shy, get in touch.