From the depths of the deceased Big Brother Magazine and a thousand pranks, Dave Carnie finds himself in London supping at a Red Stripe and munching on a panini whilst sat in dog-shit park near to Crossfire HQ with Zac on a cloudy British day. This is what went down.
David Ross Carnie.
34 but mental age of about 14!
Where did you grow up?
San Jose, all around Northern California but mostly San Jose.. around the times of Caballero, Corey O’Brien, and the golden Santa Cruz days!
How long have you been skateboarding?
Nearly 30 years, ages in fact. My dad used to sell tools and ended up selling little skateboards, so around 4 or 5 years old I had a skateboard, but in 1979 or 1980 I got my own real skateboard which was Powell. So 24 years of real skating and about 30 including the butt-board and what-not.
How and where did you lose your virginity?
That is a good question. It was in Santa Cruz. It was with my first girlfriend who was a couple of years younger than me and she was Czechoslovakian, and we were deeply in love. She wouldn’t let me fuck her as she wanted to do it right and we were so young that we thought we were gonna get married and all that stuff! She wanted our first night to be perfect, have a sleep over and stuff, and it took a few years. I was actually about 17. I didn’t really know what the fuck I was doing and just stuck it in – and you know, she was like ‘ow ow, it fucking hurts!’. Then it slid right in and she started laughing AND crying, so it was actually a really good experience! She thought it was the best fucking thing ever and I didn’t have to worry about breaking this cherry or hymen or whatever, I don’t even know how that thing works down there!
Are you sure it didn’t go up her ass?!
Haha! I don’t know. I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing!
Why are you here in the UK?
These people from the Extreme Channel wanted to show the Big Brother videos for their TV show called ‘Crazy Bastards’. I don’t know what qualifications you need to be a Crazy Bastard, but I suppose I’m a crazy bastard alongside Pritchard and Dainton and others, so they asked me to introduce some of the videos. Jokingly I said, ‘why don’t you fly me out to fucking London and take me to Jamie Oliver’s restaurant and let me kick him in the Taco’s’ as I really wanna meet Jamie Oliver, and she comes back to me and says ‘hey, I think they must have you mixed up with Madonna or something as they are actually gonna fly you out here and take you to Jamie Oliver’s restaurant!’
So what have you been up to in London?
Tour shit. Being trying to drink as much beer as possible, but we didn’t get that far into it I think…you guys have got way more beer than we do and this is such a small little island! We have been doing touristy stuff. We went to Portobello Rd and Tania bought a book on fairies for six quid and we went to the London Dungeon! Don’t go to that fucking place man! That ride in there is so fucked; it’s like a haunted house. We know we were being stupid when we were going there, and she is like ‘we are such nerds’ and yeah we knew about it but and it looked like fun but it was really stupid. That’s why my balls are all stuck together right now as it was all hot in there walking around looking at the Jack the Ripper stuff and Fire of London! So it was more like a history lesson than a Haunted House which kind of bothered me but there was some gore in there. It’s all animated like a wax museum. Stupid really!
13 years of Big Brother and now you are at the Skateboard Mag, what happened?
That is like my full time job right now. When Big Brother died, I had no job, no money coming in, so I was like, fuck it, I’m gonna buy a house! It’s quite scary. I just bought this housed in Glendale and I now spend my time being quite domestic, it’s really quite scary! The day Big Brother died, the news went through the skateboard community like gangbusters and 30 minutes after people knew, I was on the phone with Kevin Wilkins of the Skateboard Mag who was like ‘we are sorry to hear about Big Brother, but it’s kinds cool that it died as we want you to come and write for us’. So it’s cool as the mag is purely about skateboarding and it’s not Big Brother, so in a way it’s refreshing as I don’t have to be funny every 5 minutes of the day and I try to write entertaining articles! It’s easier for me not to be the boss anymore as it’s their magazine and I am just staff basically. It’s a load off my shoulders not having to put out an entertaining, funny, gross magazine every month!
How did you do it for so long?
I don’t know, it feels weird not doing it know, you know. It’s in your blood. You know when you get imprinted with things at an early age. Say for example if your first girlfriend is blonde, you end up liking blondes? So I started there in my early 20’s and although it was not my first job, my mind’s still malleable and I end up working on magazines and it’s in my blood to make them and I fucking hate magazines! I don’t like them at all, but that is what I know how to do, and do it well, but it’s fun to work at the Skateboard Magazine, it’s a good place to work. The other thing about Big Brother is that it was a third place magazine that was run by a bunch of buffoons that no one wanted to work with, or were scared to work with, and now at the Skateboard mag, like with Attiba, Swift and Grant, everyone wants to suck their dicks so I’m kind of on the good team now!
Who else are writing for?
I’m writing for SBC a little bit, I don’t know if you get it here but it’s like the Canadian Transworld but more like Big Brother. They have a good sense of humour, and I write a hockey column! It’s so ridiculous! Just imagine, a kid from California writing a Hockey Column for a Canadian Skateboard magazine! They recognise how retarded that was, so every month I have a column called ‘Carnage on Ice’ where I have my head on a stick and I talk shit about hockey! It’s great fun!
Are you gonna write for Kingpin Magazine over here, is that true?
Niall wants me to write for Kingpin Magazine but I have not been able to get anything in there yet! What I wrote for him was apparently too gnarly for the mag! I thought you guys were European and didn’t have those hang up that we have in America. The piece I sent in was the story of Carnie Cock, the article I did for Hustler a long time ago. In the back of Hustler you can find ads of how to make your own dildo. You know, like house wives can use your own synthetic cock when you go away on business or whatever! It’s like leaving your dick behind!
So I bought a kit and it’s kind of like photography, you know you have to have certain chemicals at the right temperatures and everything, and it comes with a cup, and the stuff you pour into the cup is really cold! Then you have to get a boner. I told my girlfriend to stay the fuck away, as I’m feeling silly enough standing there naked with my dick hanging out and a cup full of plastic!
So I’m sufficiently hard now as I have used a magazine in the bathroom jacking it off and hard, I stick it right in there, and ‘whoa’ it’s fucking cold!! You have to have this mould super cold and you have to keep it up for a minute and it withers and everything and you pull it out, so you have a negative of your penis. Then you have to make this other mixture up, pour it in and let it dry. So when I stuck my dick in, I forgot to do this one thing and it wouldn’t pull off!
I realised that you are supposed to make a shield of paper and then stick your dick through the paper and THEN into the cup! So what happened is that my pubic hair was cemented into this cup and Im screaming for girlfriend’s help and she had to cut me out of the cup! It looked like a badger or a wolverine had attacked me, it was a fucking mess! The cup looked like a milkshake with pubic hair sticking out of it! So it eventually took about 3 tries to finally get my cock, and that is what became Carnie Cock and the Skate Dolls, the Skate Doll Action Squad back in Big Brother. I wrote that story for Hustler and wanted to re-write it for something so I wrote it for Niall but it was a bit gnarlier!
Feel free to get it all out here!
Haha! You know. I’m just trying to compete with Gibby’s interview right now!
Well, you are getting close! Clowning around is fun. Talking of clowns, what ever happened to Simon Woodstock?
He is some monastery somewhere in San Jose, he is really Christian now. I wanted to do a small thing on him in Big Brother, but he had way too many demands for Big Brother, like a crazy list of things to do. It would have required like a week or a month to do what he wanted to do in the mag!
Have you seen any of Big Brother UK on the TV, and if so, what do you think of Nadia winning it in this series?
I heard that shit! It lasted one season in the USA and it was over, it didn’t really take off over here, but Transvestites are awesome! In West Hollywood where I used to live, we were in transvestite central. You know where Eddie Murphy got busted with one? It’s such a great spot! They are freaks, but never fuck with a transvestite, they are like 3 or 4 Godzilla monsters rolled into one man – fucking awesome!
What influence do you think you’ve had on kids who’ve grown up reading Big Brother and watching Jackass etc?
Well I would hope that my influence would help them to read more, or write or be more intelligent, but then again I drank my own piss so I don’t know! I would hope my influence would be more literary, make them a little smarter even though I was doing the most stupidest shit possible!
You drank Pritchard’s piss whilst on that Vans UK tour a couple of years back?!(haha!)
Ah! (laughs) Nah I didn’t drink it, I won’t deny it but it is possible a little bit trickled into my mouth. Haha! and then I puked on Ed Leigh! It was a case of mistaken identity and I had watched their Pritchard vs Dainton video a few days beforehand and knew not to fuck with those guys or fall asleep in their company. I don’t usually pass out and know how to hold my alcohol in the presence of others but I don’t know what happened that night. Maybe they have magic powers or something but I passed out and woke up with a lens in my face and Pritchard pissing on me! I don’t know why I didn’t attack him but I saw Ed passed out in the corner, so I went over there and starting drinking malt vinegar to puke on him and drank some water and torrents of puke went all over Ed!
So I’m covered in Pritchard’s piss, Ed is now covered in my puke. Ed goes to the bathroom, and Howard Cooke comes out and says ‘watch out for what Ed is doing’, so I break the bathroom door and Ed is pissing into a bucket, so I attack Ed on the offence and I’m covered in his piss now, so I have 2 people’s piss all over me! The piss goes on him, we wrestle, Ed’s head gets cut open, so there is blood, piss and beer all over Pritchard’s house, and then Pritch comes steaming in and he is shouting, “my misses, my misses, get the fuck out of here!” And this is the first night I have met the dude! I guess we consider ourselves as life long friends now! Haha!
Good times! If you had a pirate/viking/superhero/American indian name, what would it be?
Er. Haha, Rotting Viking Shark! They have these fish they eat in Norway or Sweden or wherever where they eat these rotting fish, and it stinks, so that would be my Viking name!
If you had a gun to your head which female pro skater would you go down on?
Haha! This is a strange one, it would be Jaime Reyes, as I remember walking into a bar they all go to in NYC and she comes up to me and shouts at me ‘Mom!’ (as she calls me ‘Mom’) and the first thing she says to me is like ‘hey what’s up, you want some coke!’. So on that note, I would go down on Jaime!
Did you know that if you type Dave Carnie into Google it comes up with Chinese Healing and natural Magic. How long have you been doing that now?
Haha! That is ironic!
Top 5 skaters of all time question…
Wow, there are so many, let’s see.. Jason Jesse, Julian Stranger, Neil Blender, Danny Way, and Christian Hosoi.
Top 5 bands of all time question?
Slayer is definitely up there. Phil Collins, Duran Duran, Spice Girls and Wham!
What is happening with Whale Cock Skateboards?
Yeah, we are just starting it up again. Doug from Autobahn wheels is partnering up with me right now and in fact I got one of my new shapes in the mail just before I got on the plane to London – ‘it’s like smaller pool board. We are starting up with about 3 boards, a bunch of hats and stickers etc. Yeah Whale Cock is coming back!
In Morrissey’s “You know I couldn’t last”, is he referring to his retirement from Whalecock?
Haha! No, I think he is talking about aural sex, I think it is an imaginary story of him having aural sex for the first time, you know, he can’t last and shoots his load!
Ok, on that note let’s finish this. Anyone you wanna thank?
No fuck that..I would rather send them flowers!
See kids, despite contrary belief, Dave Carnie is really a sweet guy!
Thank you Zac.