Crossfire’s communication with Maxwell Woodger Esq is rudimentary to say the least. The interns usually have to slave over the transcription of barely decipherable notes scribbled and sellotaped together by our man in the wilderness.
However, this week’s instalment was different- an audio cassette tape with a recorded conversation between Maxwell and various John Does. Needless to say the quality was awful, and the intern has suffered sleepless nights since. Here is the main body of the recording transcribed to the best of our abilities. Have we returned to the early days of informants and skulduggery..?
[The sound of a crowded bar can be heard. A group is whooping it up to the sounds of Bryan Adams and Melanie C. a.k.a. Sporty Spice singing When You’re Gone.]
Maxwell – Don’t talk to me about politics!
Voice 1 – Whatever buddy… It’s just a pity it took people so long to realise what was wrong with their country. Hell! The revolution no longer exists. The real power is in the vote, but the people would rather vote for reality TV shows rather than who’s running their country.
Maxwell – Damn right. Heads have already started to roll in the Whitehouse, but I heard ol’ Dubbya has called in the old guard. Bush Senior’s little helpers have been brought out of the dark closet to try and patch things up. Here’s to bad Karma and dog fighting!
Voice 1 – Cheers!
[ Two glasses clink together. A roar is heard from the crowd]
Maxwell – Goddammit! Since when has Karaoke become a national sport?
Voice 1 – I guess since Scarlett Johanssen and Bill Murray met in Tokyo…
Maxwell – Ahhh… Scarlett!
[Glasses clink again]
Maxwell – Any news on those Pony skin booties I ordered? It’s been three weeks already.
Voice 1 – Yeah, the Sheik has chosen one of his finest Steeds’ offspring and the Executioner will perform a ceremonial slaying for you next week.
Maxwell – Sweet! They’ll be ready in time for [Inaudible] I heard The Colonel will be present.
* Here the tape cuts to a brief intermission of street sounds and then what would seem to be a corner store.
Voice 2 – We don’t sell gel here, sir.
Maxwell – So, you’re telling me you don’t sell tubes of KY Jelly, but you’ve got a special discount on 12 inch graphite God Sticks? What use is one without the other, eh!
Voice 2 – We have special price for you, sir. Good customer!
Maxwell – Yeah, well someone will be standing in church tomorrow…
Voice 3 – Why don’t you contact our man in Naples? You know he’s always got stock, plus real Italian leather gives a better slap than modern graphite.
Maxwell – No, no, no, no…! Naples is off the radar at the moment. Prime Minister Prodi is cracking down on the Camorra big time. Calling in the army and all! It’s far too hot for duty free debauchery over there at the mo’.
[An audible slap is heard, followed by the ringing of something hard run along metal railings]
Maxwell – Ha! Check out the grip on this beast!
* The tape cuts again and three Kylie Minogue songs sung in Cantonese play in their entirety.
[The sound of a car driving at high speed along a beaten track with the club anthem The Cure And The Cause by Fish Go Deep featuring Tracey K can be heard blaring out of the car stereo]
Voice 4 – …so I told the old man to keep the beef jerky in the cupboard. The baby was screaming and hot water was on the boil. That’s when [Inaudible] ha! Ha!
Maxwell – Goddammit! You and your boys never cease to amaze me! Ha! Remember that time I pushed you off the mezzanine? Ha! The look in your eyes as you fell…
Voice 4 – yeah… Watch the road man!
[A screech of tyres and flying gravel is heard.]
Maxwell – Take it easy buddy! You’re in safe hands here. Nobody can hear, see or smell you out here – Trust me!
Voice 4 – That’s impossible! CCTV cameras spread like a virus nowadays. The US and EU are sharing data all day everyday. Credit card details, proof of address, next of kin, political stance, eye colour… The list goes on and on. You don’t really think 3 hours is necessary to board a flight, do you???
[Someone raises the volume on the car stereo to such a level that the recording begins to fuzz. Words become very hard to distinguish.]
Voice 4 – Rats!!! Rats!!! Vermin!!! Spreading like… [Inaudible]
Maxwell – Fonky! Fonky!
[The tune changes to Sweet Like Chocolate by Shanks and Bigfoot. The car suddenly swerves to a halt.]
Maxwell – Oh no… Bad vibes. What is this radio??? Get out goddammit! Get out!!! And take this with you…
* The tape ends here. We have yet to make contact with Maxwell Woodger Esq. again.