Flicking through the music press this week I started to get anxious and could not work out why. I pondered on whether if it was related to the weekend of carnage that just passed or the sheer audacity of fake rock stars that are pouring into print these days as there seems to be a barrage of people that annoy you so much that sometimes you would like to punch their lights out.
So, after contacting our freelance writers and having a huge discussion on who will make this list, we present you with this month’s, (yes, this may have to be done again if you get involved at the end) Top 10 Most Punchable Faces in Rock and Roll!
10. DARWIN DEEZ
It’s hard to know where to even begin with this plum. He wears a fucking stupid headband that’s made from a mouldy doily, has a moustache that wouldn’t look out of place on a sexual deviant and wears jeans so tight they make me feel infertile just by looking at them.
Oh, and his music is pony too. Log off, Darwin.
9. TOM CLARKE
It’s perhaps slightly redundant to include The Enemy’s Tom Clarke in a list of punchable faces, mostly because it seems somebody has beat us to it. They say pictures speak louder than words, and this idiom rings emphatically true in Clarke’s case. Just look at him! He’s like a living metaphor for the ugly duckling, except that’s not fair, because the ugly duckling wasn’t in a shit band. I mention the ugly duckling not as a throwaway insult, but because his features quite literally resemble that of mother goose. It’s a shame to gloss over Clarke’s music to judge him on looks alone, but his face is so distracting I couldn’t begin to delve into the horror that is The Enemy’s music.
8. FARIS BADWAN
Talking of the horror, nobody likes a student wanker especially when they look they crawled out of a scene from The Munsters and are influenced by copycat Nugget’s wannabies The Fuzztones.
Faris Badwan, lead singer of The Horrors has been on so many covers of magazines since the band broke through the indie circuit back in 2007 that he probably is single handedly the reason why people don’t buy them anymore!
7. IAN WATKINS
You could have picked any of the 5 members of Lost Prophets for this list, in fact they should be lucky we have only picked on singer Ian Watkins but I guess if you want to front the ‘most fake rock and roll band of all time’ then you deserve to be in the Top 10.
Lost Prophets are the worst styled rock band since Slade and have tried their hardest to be everyone else apart from themselves from day one musically and fashion wise. They just never seem to have their own style, look at this shot to the right, girls tee shirt and a smelly glove? Also, the fact their music sucks harder than the latest Dyson creation zooms Mr Fake ass Watkins straight in at number 7.
If ever there was a face in the rap world that deserved a punch, it’s the one on the end of Drake’s neck. It’s hard to know where to even start – possibly the fact that he keeps wearing turtleneck jumpers like some kind of shit painter from the 1970s, the irony being that he sounds like he IS turtlenecking, the talentless prick.
And what about how his mouth looks like some kind of bastard child of a 15 year old MySpace trout-pouting girl and a retarded chipmunk with a coathanger in his gob? He can’t sing, he can’t rap and it’s high time he pulled the neck of that jumper up over his head and slinks back to the cesspit he came from.
5. PETE DOHERTY
This pasty faced utterly un-talented drug bore has a face that even his mother can’t love. His drug bloated boatrace is just asking for a rotten kipper slapped right across his chops.
He’s not rock n’roll or glamorous, his face is a scab pit, his music is the most boring drivel to have been released in years and he’s just rubbish. And he’s got really dirty finger nails and his little fat face is just asking for a punch. Can I go on?
4. LIAM GALLAGHER
There’s no denying that Liam is a proper rock star and back in the glory days of Oasis he couldn’t be touched for drop dead cool and arrogance, but that same arrogance has got the better of him with his new Beady Eye band. He was at his usual ‘we’re the greatest band in the fucking world’ best in the lead up to the music being unleashed on the world, claiming they were going to be bigger and better than Oasis.
The records came out and the world went mild. Somewhere in the background Noel is rubbing his hands together and laughing. Wipe that arrogant sneer off your face Liam, you ain’t all that. We’ve got our Beady Eye’s on you.
3. JOHNNY BORRELL
Johnny Borrell could be cited as the biggest cunt of all – if he’s not prancing about in his staple white denim half naked on a stage looking like a z-rate Iggy Pop, he’s gallivanting with the latest flashy C-listers or indeed protesting about green issues to add to his already lacking rock n roll credentials. Dare I say more?
Already the prize winner of the most vainest twat in pop this ex- Libertines loser and current singer of Razorlight could very well be the most punchable face known to man.
2. DAN DEVINE (aka Daniel McGee)
Excuse me if we appear precious about our punk rock here at Crossfire, but we really fucking hate this Flats band that are currently sneaking into the music press as ‘the band to make punk rock dangerous again’. Claiming you are inspired and from the same ilk as eighties punk legends like Heresy, Discharge and Crass when you are actually a bunch of floppy haired indie twats with a frontman called Dan Devine, the son of ex-Creation records boss Alan Mcgee is wrong on every level.
Not only is the music total garbage, but Flats are nothing to do with the underground punk scene they claim to be so inspired by with their indie publicist, rider requests and touring with Mark Ronson (how very hardcore!). You can just see them now, turning up to the squat gig with their industry guest list and fashion clad, public schoolboy mates. These guys are total fucking knob-ends, don’t believe the hype.
1. LEE NEWELL
So here we are at the end of the line. The cocky frontman of Brother needs a punch in the face if for no other reason than to end his ridiculous facial expressions every time he’s in front of a camera lens. His attempts to clone the swaggering attitude of Liam Gallagher are limited to a pathetically artificial scowl and ambitions to be ‘the biggest band in the world’.
As for his reaction to Liam’s slagging of his band, he claimed to be more concerned with what his sibling Noel thinks about the band. Who are you trying to fool Lee? We all know where you got your inspiration for being a talentless twat with a gob bigger than his brain. Congratulations you dickhead, this will probably be the only Number 1 you will ever get in your career!
IF YOU THINK WE HAVE FORGOTTEN ANYONE FROM THIS LIST, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW OR ON OUR FACEBOOK PAGE AND WE WILL INCLUDE THEM IN ROUND 2.