Skateboarding Product Reviews

Heathen Clipper 8″ deck

First off, I think I should mention that I’m writing this review whilst listening to Carcass “Symphonies of Sickness” just because it automatically tells you, the reader, how cool I actually am. Note- gore rather than black metal- which is a bit gay nowadays. Plus Carcass are from the Midlands, like Black Sabbath.

Right, so I got this Heathen deck to review- which is rad because I’m a stinky skinflint and hate paying for boards. So I’m automatically going to say I love this board because it’s free. I mean seriously, what can you write about a skateboard- they’re all the same. Would carcass write a review on scalpel blades? No. They’d be too busy using them to bisect soon-to-be cadavers.

I’m not too sure about Heathen- I’m getting mixed messages from this board. For example, there’s a pirate ship on the bottom of this deck. Which is gay. Carcass wouldn’t write a song about a pirate ship. Well, maybe post “Heart work”- but no good metal band stays sick forever. Even Sabbath went wibbly wobbly. But what’s confusing is that the pirate ship has the Black Flag bars on one of its flags and an inverted crucifix on another. Both of these symbols are seals of approval. If you see a live band you’ve never even heard of, you can tell how shit they’ll be if not one of the band members has the bars tattoo. As soon as you see those 4 wobbly lines embedded under someone’s skin, you know they’re going to rip. Even more so if it’s a d.i.y blade and biro ink jobby. But why put them on a flag of a pirate ship? Pirates are gay- you never see chicks on pirate ships. I read that Pirates used to fuck stingray mouths because it feels exactly like quamf- not that’d they’d know, because they’re all gay.

I’d love this board much more if they did away with the pirate ship altogether and just had the bars or the inverted crucifix filling up the whole graphic. Inverted crucifixes are just as rad, but you can’t trust good all fashioned Satanism like you used to- not everyone who dons the upside down cross owns copies of the first two Bathory albums.

On top of the wood is also a top graphic of a shark jawbone- top graphics are hot because you get to cut massive holes in your grip tape- and if you push mongo, means you ain’t going to put holes in the bottoms of your sole shuffling your foot around. I’m mongo. No shit. Not that it matters, because I just covered the top in Skulls stickers anyway. I heard one of the guys involved in Heathen has the same jawbone image tattooed on his side or hip or something. Bad move- the only legit skate tattoo is the Thrasher logo– they’re the only thing in skateboarding you can swear by.

Other things to note about this skateboard-
-it’s wood.
-it has a nose and a tail.
-it has concave.
-it has 8 holes so you can attach your trucks to the bottom- not that you would -because you’re too busy reading this rubbish online.
-it has a really gay pirate saying on the graphic- something like “No Love lost” or something. Love?! Love is for gays. Carcass don’t write songs about love.

In conclusion, apart from the graphics, this board is great. And is from a British company. So if I were to ever buy a board, which I don’t like doing, I’d definitely buy British skateboards. Carcass are British. See what I’m sayin’?